A Note to Self…My Younger Self

Me and Walter; I wish I was as nice to myself as Walter is :-)

I will say things to you that are absolutely unacceptable.
But you will accept them as the truth without question.  I am sorry.

I repeat the things to you that I’ve heard about myself, or assumed others were thinking or saying about me, without even questioning their validity.  And again, you will accept all the insults I throw at you willingly with an accepting look on your face, and maybe a few tears.  You don’t question it; you don’t push back.  You grow older year after year somehow thinking my voice is the trustworthy voice.  It isn’t. It hasn’t been for decades.  But it can be.

My inner voice belongs to many people across generations that were angry, frightened, insecure, and likely working out their own pain through inflicting pain on you. The weight and validity of that voice seems nearly impossible to put down.  How can something so heavy be that difficult to drop?
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It’s been difficult to find a better inner voice during a time of feeling without purpose, without drive, without direction.  I don’t even know what she sounds like, and I don’t even have the drive to feel angry about that. I do know that the cruel things don’t belong to me, and while the flip side of cruelty sounds like silence lately, I’m sure that a loving inner voice will emerge when she’s ready.

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